Being a Stepmom Sucks

In Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do, author Wednesday Martin says, “Nobody wants a stepmother. A less frequently acknowledged but equally potent truth – one that is without doubt more unsettling to those who stand outside it – is that nobody wants to be a stepmother either.”

I recently joined up on a forum on Circle of Moms, a forum for divorced mothers and quickly encountered a level of bitterness and hate that drove me right off the forum. You see, I am a mom with a son who has a stepmother. I am also a stepmom (unofficially).

Both sides of divorce are quite clear to me, and as I read the responses to a question which demonized a stepmother, I felt a deep and utter sense of hopelessness in regards to my life as a stepmom. As I read the venom dripping off the page, I was reminded that I will never ever make anyone happy as a stepmom.

You see, no one wants to be a stepmother because stepmoms almost always become the bad guys in the family system. We are the ones who live with the text messages from the ex that refer to us as b$tch and c*nts. Those text messages pour into our significant other’s phones on a sometimes weekly basis because we expected our stepchild to pick their dirty clothes off the floor or to put down the phone when it is time to eat.

Or we could go the other route and be as accommodating as a doormat, but as Martin points out, “the more attractive a child finds a stepmother, the worse these feelings of divided loyalty will be, and the more intensely the stepmother will be rejected.”

Liking a stepparent often leaves children feeling guilty and disloyal, especially when moms turn the relationship into a competition.

For me, those horrible text messages occur most frequently, when my stepdaughter goes back to her mother’s after a weekend filled with fun. I make my stepdaughter happy, and within two days there are ranting voicemails and text messages to my partner, finding something, anything that indicates that he is a horrible father and I am an evil person.

It almost makes me want to divide what we hoped would be a family and continue on with my life as though Gabby was not a part of it.

Being a family, blended or not, also means that the family functions as a unit, with expected behaviors.

As a stepmother, expecting behaviors and expecting consequences for not following through on those behaviors becomes an enormous can of worms, which can ultimately result in heated debates and even days of not speaking to your significant other. Ultimately, it often can lead to yet another divorce. It is especially difficult when there is a child from both sides and only one has rules, and the other simply has to call mom if they don’t like the rules.

Creating this unit, this blended family, helps to combat a stepmother’s feelings of being an outsider. You have entered into an existing family with an existing history and existing traditions. There are inside jokes, nicknames, stories, of which you are not a part. These inside stories, jokes, etc are often latched on to by the stepchildren as a way to ensure their place, but also to remind you that they were there first and you are the outsider.

When you couple the outsider status with the bitterness thrown out you by exes and stepchildren, Martin states, “our outsider status can leech away our sense of ourselves as good, loving, and lovable people, rendering the most self-confident among us insecure, off-kilter, occasionally even bitter.”

Makes ya want to run right out and be a stepmom doesn’t it? Reading those comments on Circle of Mom was a wonderful way to introduce would-be stepmoms to the life they will have if they choose the role. Those posts also clearly point to one of the major reasons stepmothers are so hated. Moms.

Yes, some stepmoms suck. And no, I am not always the most accommodating and understanding mom on the other side.

As moms with children that have stepmothers, we must be happy for our children when they have fun with their stepparents. What mother doesn’t want the whole entire world to love and care for their children? Why should a stepmom not be included in that desire?

If we have a problem with a choice that a stepmother makes, rather that assume the worst of her and call her horrid names, we should step back and chill for two seconds, put ourselves in her shoes, and then act as an adult.

Most importantly, we must allow our children to have healthy relationships with their stepmoms. We must be willing to take to heart that we are MOM, our place is forever secure in our child’s heart no matter who comes into their lives.

As I read this book, I felt such a burden lifted from me. I discovered that I was not the only one that thought that being a stepmom sucks, at least part of the time. It also reminded me to remember that it sucks sometimes for my exe’s new wife too. And sometimes, it sucks for her because of the choices I have made.

How do I make things better for myself as a stepmom? Learning to not take the word c$nt personally will help. Remembering that it is thrown at me because of someone else’s insecurity will also help. Mostly, I have only so much control over how I am treated as a stepmom.

I can, however, work diligently to not be responsible for the added burden my son’s stepmother feels. I will likely never like her, nor agree with her parenting choices, but I can treat her like a human being who is, hopefully, only doing what she feels is best for my son. I can give her the benefit of the doubt before I jump to conclusions and I can react in a respectful manner when necessary.

I can share with her the burden that being a stepmom can just plain suck.

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