After Divorce – Standing at the Crossroads

I was recently asked to describe a moment when I stood at the crossroads and whether I would choose to take the same path again. There have been so many crossroads in my life, from choosing to get married, deciding to have a child, and deciding to get a divorce, that I didn’t know exactly where to start. I could keep looking into the past, dissecting each decision, but really, where would that get me? I strive to live my life without regrets, which requires that I not look back and beat myself up with the “what if’s”.

Thinking through this, I realized that at this very moment of my life, I am at a crossroads, one that I have been stuck at for a very long time. And it is this crossroad, this moment of the present that I must finally confront. The struggle has been exhausting, almost unbearable, because I know there are not just 2 paths, this or that, but thousands of paths and possibilities, none of which I can clearly see.

In the spring of 2005 I left my husband of 9.5 years. Our marriage was no longer that of a husband and a wife, but between two strangers with very separate lives living under the same roof. And one of those strangers, namely me, had begun to wonder at the sacrifices and choices made in order to maintain this relationship. So I disrupted our family of three, tore us apart and created a child of divorce. I did it all for the sake of finding myself and finding happiness. Sadly, six years later, I seem to have only lost myself more.

Was my choice selfish and stupid? Did I make the wrong one? Should I have stayed and tried to work through things? No, no, no! I left because I was not happy, and no child should be raised by a parent who is miserable; how can a child learn to find and make happiness if their parents are unable to show them? I know with every fiber of my being that I would not have found happiness where I was at.

I did not make the wrong choice, but once I made the choice to leave, it seems I stopped making the right choices. Or in some, okay most, I failed to make any choice at all. And this is where I sit. At the crossroads.

Many would be surprised from the outside to think that I am standing at a crossroads. I appear to have set myself quite squarely on my path. I am now in a long-term committed relationship. I have purchased a home and dog with my partner. I have begun taking graduate classes to move toward a more fulfilling career. I seem pretty set. These decisions, though, are exactly why I have not left that crossroads.

These are distractions, all things designed to keep me from moving ahead, take away my focus. But haven’t I made it clear that I want to move ahead? Didn’t I make the toughest decision possible to do just that? You see, I want to move ahead, really truly I do. But for the very first time in my life, I can’t imagine what is on the other side. I have no idea, absolutely none. Is it happiness, is it heartache? Is it a long life in Iowa, a short life traveling the world? Is it a life where I am the best mom ever or one where I manage to raise a delinquent?

I have dipped my toes into so many paths these last six years, only to yank my foot right back out that fear has taken a deep, dark grip on my soul. I know that one of those paths is the right choice. I know many would argue with me on this, but really truly, only one of these is the right path. Why?

My crossroads is not about finding the right job. It is not about finding the right volunteer opportunity. It is not about finding the right spiritual group. My crossroads is about finally, finally, finding me, looking myself in the face and seeing me. And not just seeing me, but accepting me, and living as me.

How hard can that really be? Well very, the most terrifying thing I can think of really. Somewhere, around puberty, I stopped being me. I stopped living my life as me and started living my life for or against someone else. I could not be this why because so and so didn’t like it, but I couldn’t be this way because someone I truly despised did like it. I began to define myself by things and people outside myself.

When I left my marriage I also left my career of 7 years, two of the three most self defining aspects of my life. I was no longer the wife or the Museum Educator. I was still a mom, but now only part time. So who was/am I? I don’t know. I just read that you cannot see your reflection in running water, you must look into still water. I have been too busy trying to find myself, define myself, that I have not stood still long enough to really look?

Perhaps, I will not like what I see? What if I am not as compassionate as I had thought? What if I am more emotional? What if I am not as intelligent, independent, etc.? What if I do not live up to my expectations? Can’t I just keep defining myself by those I am with? Sure, it keeps making me miserable, and them as well, but it is so much easier.

So I stand here staring at my crossroads, and I sweat in fear, and I shake with uncertainty, and I hope that I can just jump, close my eyes, and jump.

Update – February 29, 2012

I finally feel like I have chosen to step beyond my crossroads and pick a direction.  It feels so incredibly right in my heart.  If you want to see how I am progressing in becoming what I might have been, please visit me at Dare 2 Dream Dare 2 Do.